The wonderful world of finance
A missive from the Amalgamated General Spleen Venters
a middle class cog-oiler or working-class aspirant trying to do
the decent thing by bettering yourself and entering the housing
market (the only true guaranteed assets guys), dabbling in the stock
market or simply trusting that the statesmen and corporates who
move the £$£$ around are ethically motivated, then youd be
v. upset by the recent rounds of financial deceit. WhoreCull
says rent dont buy, use the black market wherever poss and
keep all your money in a piggy-bank. Personal finance is too complex
(cf: crooked) to be worthwhile
"Hot Properties Special"
in the late 70s for bombing the living daylights out of the anglophile
property market, the Brothers of Glyn Dwr gained a reputation for
its uncompromising brand of nationalist shenanigans. Holiday homes
from Swansea to that unpronounceable one that looks like the result
of a typewriter being dropped down several flights of stairs were
torched by militant leek-munchers in a campaign of random bourgeois
life-context annihilation. Recently Cull caught up with Taffy
Jones (not his real name), one of Glyn Dwr's former explosives experts,
for a one-off challenge: Guess which one of the following Welsh
houses was recently purchased by English property speculators and
well release their name and address. We thought so.
This one looks like your typical two-up two-down terrace,
probably in Cardiff. Very popular with the student market.
Could be sale to let.
Do you discriminate between Cardiff properties and those
in other parts of Wales?
[laughs] Would we bomb them do you mean? Not really,
Cardiffs practically part of England anyway, so it defeats
the object of what were about. Plus its too densely
populated, youd have to worry about not blowing the neighbours
You wouldnt consider just blowing the door off its hinges?
Not in a residential area, no. Its going to be too near traffic
and pedestrians. If there was a train station nearby then I might
be tempted, but overall Id have to pass, see? Basically its
a non-starter. Not interested.
Ah, this is more like it. These are the sorts of places that sprung
up all over the valleys from the mid-sixties onwards. The modern
features are a dead giveaway. Look at those windows! No self-respecting
working-class Welsh family would live in that.
Well, apart from the fact they couldnt afford it
theyre probably middle-class schoolteachers, but not English.
The English always go for houses with character: barn
conversions or ye olde cottages. This is probably just a local couple
with money, so they wouldnt make our hit list, even though
its an easy hit nice and remote with plenty of undergrowth
for a stake out. But were definitely getting warmer. Next!
This is the one! Tidy! Now thats just begging to be
hit. What a giveaway.
What makes it a giveaway?
It looks like a farmhouse but its not.
Theres no muck about it no muck equals brass. Yuppies
disinfect everything. It looks like a farmhouse but its got
that phoney, artificially weathered look. And its got double-glazing.
And look at that roof! Its brand new. Farmers havent
got that sort of dough. I bet a celebrity owns it.
So youd be tempted to hit this one?
Tempted? You bet! And Id rape his girlfriend. This is
definitely a hot property. Everything about it screams holiday home.
Wheres my Semtex?
How would you respond to those who say that foreign homeowners are
bringing inward investment to the more deprived parts of the countryside?
I wouldnt waste my breath.
Surely someone renovating a house provides jobs for the local community?
Carpenters, joiners, electricians, labourers
Im not interested in that. People have got jobs to do,
so let them get on with it.
But if theyre Welsh then doesnt that undermine your
Look. The point is if people want to renovate houses for yuppies
they can, because the law says they can. That doesnt make
So how would you go about blowing up this one?
Im hardly going to tell you that, am I? With explosives! [laughs]
No, seriously, I tend to practice more subtle forms of terrorism
these days. Id probably start by poisoning their dog, or daubing
Welsh slogans on the front door. Then I might slash the tyres on
their 4x4 and shit in their fishpond. Psychological stuff is more
effective because it leaves more of a lasting impression. Also,
if you blow something up they just get the builders back in, whereas
with psychology its more of a sound investment. Whats
WEEK: Find out what happened when Taffy paid our homeowners a visit.