Back to front

Tab-royal obsequiousness exposed
This Burrell ‘story’ made for a rip-roaring read, innit? "The Ramblings of a madman", said The Sun. All sour grapes, natch, as the Mirror got the ‘scoop’. But this Burrell cove was delirious with sanctimonious cant. His aristocratic pretensions have made him hysterical: he’s trying to revive single-handedly that old chestnut about an MI6 plot to assassinate Diana (cf. Cull piece on determinate negation). "There are some things in this country that we have no knowledge of." That’s right, you fucking nonce, they’re called ‘nonsense’. Let’s face it, for 300 grand I’d swear blind that the Queen was a Jewish princess.

"People are obsessed with buying a bigger car or buying a bigger house, but where does it get them?" Shareef asks.

"It’s materialism and the obsession with individual fulfilment that is the problem," says Ahdil. "You look at people with more than you and you yearn for what they have. But you look at someone below you, and you realise what you do have. As the prophet said, give the son of Adam a mountain of gold and he'll want another one."

Some non-fanatical (ie, the great majority) UK Muslims sagely spot what’s wrong with our culture

© The Guardian

CULTURE
But faith a little closer to a restaurant, here was somebody's glib reply.....

Well Guys, I'm sure you all want to here about my fabulous weekend, so hear it is. Oh what a day and night I had in Tufnell park! Got picked up by minicab at 3.30pm to take me to the local Sainsbury's, got dropped off in the car park at the back — oh the lovely weeds and rubbish, it was quite a site (the front of the store was splendid, all decked out in Orange!) I had to walk amongst trolleys to get in — oh the larks — and there were bins disguised as bins, which stunk of piss as you walked past, and if you didn't see them, you'd trip up over them!

As I walked in the store, there he was... well, he looked a bit like Beckham, but in fact it was Terry Ordhimshaw from Camden, who works on the till — but he came straight over to me and said hello — ugly as absolute fuck! Bill from the bacon counter and Louise the lav cleaner were also around, and they thanked me for shopping at their store! The store was full of funny people in all different 'stiles' of dress — I was wearing a white sweatshirt and grey combat pants, and if I do say so meself, looked lovely, together with a cap and fabo necklace, it really brought out the colour of my eyes.

Everyone looked common and so I did not feel out of place, as in fact I'm an ugly dog — and the whole place was decidedly average.

Anyway, other people who were there: Stinky the local Big Issue Seller, Gladys the mad granny, whose trolley always trips you up, Quentin the middle class dad with two annoying bourgeois kids buying olives, a mad goth girl, I'm sure there were many more — but it was just so incredibly overwhelming in there!!!! I left about 4.30pm picking up my goodie bag of frozen chicken, two veg and three litres of cider, all I can say is that I'm going to be pissed for a 'wile'! As for pictures, well who 'nose' — I may be on the security camera as I did half-inch a Sara Lee gateaux; can't wait for Crimewatch! The best day of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then I disappeared up my own arse.

CULTURE
Completely
vacuous
celebrity
piss-worship

Manchester United brand David Beckham and former pop star Pish Spice held a charity-raising (of course it’s for charity; "so you shouldn’t take the piss then"; yes I should - every half-famous twat does charity piss to lend themselves some gravitas) bash at their "Beckingham Palace" a few months ago. Oblivious to the fact that not everyone lives in a world of Heat and Hello star-fixated piss, this silly bint sent this on to loads of her mates. Luckily, someone replied to this drivel so we didn’t have to (see below left...)

(this is a verbatim transcription: Celeb-worship and basic grasp of English obviously do not mix)

Well guys, I am sure you have been eagerly awaiting this email, well now here it is! Oh what a day and night I had yesterday at Posh & Becks party!!

Got picked up at 3pm and we arrived at Beckingham Palace at 3.45 pm. Got dropped off at this big canapÈ at the back of their house, (the outside of the house was stunning). We had to walk down this pathway to get to the big Marquee where everyone was and they had all these young people doing these marshal arts moves in the bushes and also had these people dressed up as trees so if you did not >see them, they came out at you.

As we walked into the tent there he was, David Beckham. He came straight over to us and said hello and chatted to us for a while. All I can say is Beautiful!!! Elton (John?) was there also and Victoria was walking around somewhere. All three of them were greeting people as they came in and thanking them for coming to their party! David then told us to get a drink and he would see us later (you bet we will!!).

As we walked into the first marquee Louise was there with Jamie Rednapp and we chatted for a bit as I worked with her, when she was in Eternal and we hopefully will be working together again on her next project. Posh’s mum was also talking with us and she was lovely. As we moved round we went to say hello to Emma Forbes and Natalie Imbruglia (beautiful) and chatted for a bit. There was Dwight York behind me and the Dream Team DJs from Kiss there too together with Misteeq and a couple of the So Solid Crew boys that they go out with. Said hello to all of them and went to the ladies.

Walking through to the ladies met up with Greg Rosetski and his wife and Jamie and Jools Oliver with their baby and chatted to them for a little bit, eventually went to the toilet and who was in there no other than Joan Collins!! I could not go to the toilet I was so besides myself and had a little chat with Joan which was so surreal!! Everyone was called into dinner which was a massive marquee with a massive stage at the end, it looked incredible which only the pictures in OK will show as I can’t really tell you how it was. Russell Watson was singing as we sat down. On the table was Martin Collins and his girlfriend and sitting next to me was meant to be Sean Bean but he did not turn up till late so he never sat down with us (shame!!). The food was lovely and was all Japanese to go in the theme of the night. If you want to see the menu just ask as I have brought it back with me.

"I EVENTUALLY WENT TO THE TOILET AND WHO WAS IN THERE NO OTHER THAN JOAN COLLINS! I COULD NOT GO TO THE TOILET I WAS SO BESIDE MYSELF AND HAD A LITTLE CHAT WITH JOAN WHICH WAS SO SURREAL!"

During dinner they had 4 classical violinist playing for us and a pianist. After the main course they had Japanese artists showing us marital arts moves and entertaining us just before dessert. David and Victoria worked their way round the room and came over to say hello. She wore this black number which looked like rubber but it was leather and she is tiny. David wore this Japanese dress thing but looked incredible in it!! Victoria was talking to use about the pregnancy and was saying that she had to lie on the bed and squeeze into her dress because she was pregnant and I told her that I have to do that too and I am not even pregnant!! (you had to be there as it was quite funny!!!)

Then David got up on stage and said a few words about the charity which they were raising money for and was brilliant, he is soooo lovely and gave a present to Victoria which she did not know about to say thanks for organizing this party and at 6 1/2 months pregnant! Then they showed a pledge video. After that Ant & Dec were called up to star the auction off, then Graham Norton got up and did the rest, he was hysterical and was brilliant at it!

Again all the prizes are in my little brochure which I brought home. Then after that the football players had to leave as they were on a curfew. Margheritta and I went around the room and met up with Graham Norton, Ant & Dec and their partners. I spoke to Mick Hucknell as I have worked with him in the past, Greig Rosetski and his lovely wife we were talking to most of the night, Faye from Steps, Goldie and a few others.

The day and night was just fantastic, everywhere you looked there were stars. I could not control myself it was just overwhelming. There was all different mixes of dress. The men looked great as most ofthem were in White tie and it looked really classy and the women were all in different outfits. Black dresses, red, pink, green dresses and I was in a White trouser suit which looked lovely and a lovely necklass. There were a few diamond numbers but all in all everyone looked lovely but you did not feel out of place as there were not that many skinny models there and everyone was average. Other people there were as follows: Greg Rosezki & Lucy, David Seamon, Nick Faldo Mike Hucknell, Teddy Sherringham, Nicky Clarke, Dale Winton, Gary Linaker, George Best, Dane Bowers, Ruud Hullet, David Frost, Cilla Black, Dennis Wise, Gordon Ramsey, Lulu, Sven Erikson, Angus Deaton, Shazney Lewis, Mahamed Al Fayed, Jodi Kidd, Des Lynam, Emma Forbes, Lee Evens, Van Istaroy (sorry don’t know how to spell it), Ray Winston, Boy George, Chris Eubank, Sir Geoff Hurst, Bobby Charlton, Bob Wilson, Richard Branson, Alexander McQueen, Vivianne Westward. And I am sure there were more, but I just can't remember, it was just incredible!! We left about 10.00pm and picked up our goody bags full of presents from Mac Cosmetics, Georgeo Armani, Aspreys, Nicky Clarke, Mulberry, Shiseido, Taittinger, Bulgari, Police, Blue Dragon, Royal Worcester, The Body Shop, Hugo Boss, Adidas and Dermalogica.

All I can say is I am going to be looking and smelling great for a while!! Came home last night and just screamed to my mum on the phone just to let go of the excitement which I had cought up in my body all night. One of the best nights of my life so far!! Pictures, well I don't think I was in any of them and not sure about the TV Camera but I am sure I will be looking out for me when it gets shown!

Love …..

Come on WhoreCull, you’re just jealous (brain gives up…)

Back to full contents        Forget the last 27 years...