Back to front

JAMIE OLIVER'S
NATIONALIST
FOOD AGENDA

Russian salad
Jarrel nuts
Polenta
Puy lentils
Ostrich
Twinkies
Foie gras
Essex fat lip twat
Nachos
Sorbet

 

WHEN RATINGS SLIP
Haggis
Tinned plum tomatoes
Mushy peas
Baked beans
Bacon
Dripping
Black pudding
Sweetbreads
Pot Noodle
Rhubarb & Crumble

TELEVISION
AD-TROCITIES…
        The latest advert for Ford cars which is so confident of its material worthiness and the worthiness of materialism that it can't even be bothered to dress it in the usual irony. trendy couple come on to James Brown music in their trendy car. Cunt gets out to leave for plane. Cunt says to YP amoeba "when I get back you'll marry me right". Ooh the nerve. But sure sure Peter sure. Affirmadive

        Ditto Doritos for the deity of mass-produced crisps. Absolutely terrible pun (yes, worse than those above or below) that is the young professional orgy for Doritos Chips ending in the catchphrase - "Friend-chips". Shit

        "Big penis, respect, father-in-law," the dad from the black nuclear family was left pondering at the end of a patronising BT ad. Nothing wrong with a bit of stereotyping, apparently

        The advert for a Citroen Xsara that laughably has some Jarre lowbrow techno wank-fest like Equinox 4 to display its futuricity

        Yet another alternative comedian in adverts? "Erm, "MoneyyesPlease". Jonny Vegas is the monkey. Or is that the point. But he admitted to the crowd that he had sold out. It's long time to give up on any expectation that your favourite comedian or actor WON'T take the advertisement dollar. Soon, WhoreCull will be sponsored by Burger King, Pepsi and Microsoft. We might get it done sooner

        Every ITV advert for their own programmes

        The West Ham fan gets the woman, but we also see a ridiculous Paolo DI Canio animated figurine fronting an advert for PhysioSport toiletries

        Pizza Hut's latest slogan (swap your Ds for Ts) - Grade food, Grade times. And now Ricky Gervais with the voiceover

        Vodafone. Dandy Warhols. "We're Winning", but also "we're groovy". No, you're cunts

…TRADGEDY

 

 

War-torn porn.
$6.99

..

 

TELEVISION
Overladding

Nearly a decade after the arrival of Loaded-style laddism, why are certain sections still trying to prove what blokes they are?

Why this constant drive to "lad up" in the media, especially on BBC Sport recently? Trying to get closer to the nature of footballers and FHM-culture? Recently, we had real lad Hazel Irvine calling her commentators "Sharpy" for Greame Sharpe and adopting "Lawro" for the above-pictured Lancastrian.

Then Watching 'Stubbsy', as I'm sure he'd love to be called, down at Lakeside Darts was pure comedy. Lowbrow Ray was egging on the monobrowed crowd, all of the while to a predictable white-boy indie-rock soundtrack, and clearly loving every minute of it. Then there was the hilarious end scene, incorporating excruciating closing-time metaphor, with Bobby 'Dazzler' George. I'm sure it all harked back to imagined days in unfashionable "down-to-earth" Liverpool pubs where the talk is of constantly "fancy a wager", "get your round in" and other authentic elements of homosociety. The only things that let this act down with Whore Cull favourite Lawro are Stubbs's inability to put a Ralph Lauren shirt on (it's all ruffled at the front, as though he can't pull it over the back) and the way his arms and hands rest on his knees or BBC table like a cat's paws; most un-lad-like. In fact, Stubbsy, stop trying to gain extra leverage by playing the "man of the people" vote. Or "Beebsy", get a proper anchorman.

What they should be doing is concentrating on the quality behind the lad nicknames - it's kid in the playground (or the "pub" as it's called) amateurish stuff. "Crooksy" and others are really quite bad presenters and should not be on mainstream TV. Perhaps there's too many ex-footballers in the media now in general, there has to be to cope with the massive increase in coverage in these satellite-led times. It's a case of "I wouldn't attempt to tell you how to be a footballer", so don't think you can do the reciprocate. James Richardson is probably a shit footballer but he is passionate about his sport and medium and is a good presenter (unlike his Partridge clone brother on the other side).

"When I was at Bayern" - yes Alan McNally you've told us that several times now. When are we going to have some real analysis rather than excerpts from the Book Of Clichés (Lad editon)?

TELEVISION
CAPITAL HAPPINESS

On a baser level, the whole tone of Happiness, Paul Whitehouse's BBC2 sitcom broadcast earlier this year, is overtly laidback, and clearly serving as a large indicator of the Whitehouse psyche, trying to fit in at 40. If I'm doing that, then please kill me.
It's pathetic how the 'eccentric' group of voiceover-puppet/professional couple expecting kid/northern alcoholic/scottish rocker cokehead are portrayed as the different and 'cooler' thirty and forty-somethings, thus they must be somehow be dealing with the rigmaroles of middle age/settling down/cock options/ in a much cooler way than the nameless millions who instinctively see such a struggle as futile. I'm absolutely bored with fashion, brands, labels and the rest of it already. "hey come and talk to us, we're the alternative group in the north London pub (it's always a north London pub). Look at the angle we're leaning on our chair, for example".

People were watching this because they will watch anything.

Addiction or maybe just appetite, for object of desire absolutely intrinsic to crapitalism.

Shit programme and mythical emotion. The only thing willingly encouraged by the shystem, and the only emotional experience most people interpret as happiness is an occasional enchantment with multifarious trinkets that adorn the good ship capitalism - clothes, furniture, private property, smellyvision. The rest of the time people are vocational automatons carrying out a prescribed function while running rings around themselves through the pursuit of hollow materials that provide a fix. Does that crapitalism shystem depend on addiction in various forms to successfully survive?

Of course it does.

    Brand analysis: Man U